........Comment by Bill Moore

...The forest around us

Christmas gifts to
a forest industry

....I know the title sounds a bit silly, but it’s Christmas, and what’s one more silly topic in this great big industry of trees.
....There are a lot of different types of people and occupations in this wide spread industry and their needs are varied. For instance, most chairmen of the board won’t need the same Chris-tmas presents that our loggers out in the bush require. But I’ll bet they both need something! For who’s got every-thing? Well, possibly Cornelius burke, but then he’s in the travel industry and we know about those chaps!
....So here’s my list – take it as you find it, but with a smile.
....Foresters: Those dauntless, little heralded, small “c” conservative, nice guys all. Dear Santa, these chaps need a new image. We’ve got to get them into flashy checkered suits, get rid of the short hair. Get them to say, “Gottcha, baby!” we must get them out to disco parties and in general get them “turned on.” The new movin’, groovin’, forester will be a trend setter in the industry, commanding respect and high budget money. He will shed his low profile and reduced budgets if we find him this new look for Christmas.
....Big, Big, Executives: I mean really big. For Christmas let’s give them an extra hour a day throughout the year. In this way they can save up their extra hours and visit their logging camps and rap with the boys in the woods. I don’t mean the managers, but the safety committees, the shop boys and the lads sweating it out on the rigging. What a turn on it will be for both parties, but particularly the Execs. It’s called “Getting To Know You” – needed, needed!
....Logging Camp Cooks: Ah, here we find that discriminating breed of person. It has been said that most old cooks don’t just die – they are done in by their own Mock Turtle soup. So


what to give these gentlemen for Christmas? They certainly deserve much better than they now receive, which is generally glares, sneers and uncouth words from young loggers searching in vain for Mom’s Apple Pie.
....Give these culinary cookie cutters a day in which to stand undaunted and unmolested in front of their stuff-cheeked crews screaming “Up Your Mom’s Apple Pie!” Deserved, deserved!
...............Logging Machinery

...How come da machine she cost so ...big?
...How come you no sell a cheaper rig?
...You say half a million
...YOU smile when you say it.
...By golly my fren
...I don smile when I pay it.
...Now dis year for Christmas
...I want from you men
...Just a simple log-getter
...And at yesterday’s price
...Not a cent more I’ll pay.
...Hey – whatsa matter you guys
...Why you look at me that way!
.................Oh well – Merry Christmas.
....Logging Camp Managers: Possibly the most difficult forest fraternity person to buy for. This upright, stalwart. Jut-jawed leader in the cedars has never been wrong, has everything, needs nothing and will probably be ecstatic if he has Christmas Day at home without
someone knocking on his door to say:
....(1.) There’s a slide on Brach 50 and we’re going to lose the mainline bridge any moment. What will we do?
....(2.) The light plant is haywire and we need parts. And the phone is out of order. And the mechanic is passed out.
....(3.) The accountant ran off with the bullbucker’s wife and they set fire to the office before leaving.
....Just an ordinary Merry Christmas Day – eh chaps.
....Forest Industry Magazine Editors: Well, Mr. Claus, here’s a select little


club for you to be nice to. These chaps are rather special, and really one would be hard pressed to find an appropriate gift for them. They are so busy planning office parties, adjusting their green eye shades, hollering “copy boy” and talking out of the side of their mouth on the telephone to forest ministers, that they really don’t have time for presents. But get them a new whip anyway – the old one is worn out. (Just kiddin’, Ed!)
....Chaps Who Drive Pick-ups About The Claim: Ah, dear Santa – would you bring these delightful demons from Daytona a new gear for their transmission. A slow one, please.
....Master Mechanics: Let’s give them a special holiday called “Mechanic’s Day.” On this day every machine in camp works perfectly, no complaints from operators, no flats, no foremen’s automatic washer to fix – and the mechanic has a good book to read. Keep those grease guns pumping men!
....Logging Contractors: May this charming group of lads continue to enjoy good health and warm clothing, a nice hot bowl of broth and lottsa Cadillacs!
................Logger’s Wives
..A tip o’ the hard hat at Christmas,
..And may that day be full of cheers,
..For kiddies and Grandma and the old Logger too
..May the day be happy for the whole
Darn crew.
.... And Last But Not Least: A Christmas message to those about to build a new (wood) house. Yes, lumber prices are up a little and the forest industry is happy about this. So before you have to pay the bill – may your lottery ticket be a winner.

......................Merry Christmas as you
.........................Keep out of the bight,
.........................................Bill Moore

page 28  
British Columbia Lumberman, December, 1978